We had always had the idea of going somewhere to celebrate this new adventure of becoming parents and do a last trip with just the two of us before our baby makes her arrival; a “baby-moon” if you will. It’s a newer concept nowadays, but we loved the idea. Before finding out Eden’s diagnosis, we had thought about doing a “bigger” trip somewhere, maybe a visit to a beach or the mountains. But as we considered our circumstances of navigating this unpredictable pregnancy journey, the reality of going somewhere far away was just not something that brought us a sense of peace or comfort. We decided that doing a shorter local trip would be best for us and Eden, just in case. So, to Branson we went!
It was only about a four hour drive away, which was far enough away to feel new and get away from the “norm”, while also staying close enough to home that we knew we could come back at any moment if need be. We stayed at a golf resort with great views and loved spending our days doing as we pleased without any scheduled plans. Even without a schedule, we always found something to see and do. We went shopping, tried out new restaurants, went bowling, and sometimes just hung out in the condo and watched a movie. On several occasions, we just sat and listened to Eden move around on the doppler. She’s always so active at night, especially after I’ve had my evening ice cream. It doesn’t matter where it’s from, it just has to be chocolate! Turns out both Eden and her mama love a good sweet treat.
One of our favorite things to do (okay, maybe it was my favorite thing to do) was to shop at the cute local stores around town. As we walked around the little shops, a lot of people acknowledged my bump and asked questions about our baby. It was mainly the sweet ladies working in the store who were all excited and congratulated us. Either way, at mostly every checkout line or interaction, the baby bump made its way into the conversation. They asked if we’re having a boy or a girl, if we have a name picked out, when I’m due; all the baby things! And I loved every moment of it. Now, that kind of makes me sound like a huge attention seeker to say, but hear me out. Nobody there knew our circumstances and we never once brought them up. Every person who congratulated us was just simply excited. And it was so refreshing for me to get to talk about her with only a sense of joy and excitement. The part I loved was not the recognition itself, but the ability to talk about my daughter this way for the first time since receiving her diagnosis back in June. Now, does that mean we were trying to live in some sort of fantasy world where there wasn’t the truth of her diagnosis? Of course not. As I walked away from every interaction, there was a small sense of grief that crept into my mind. They had no idea of the reality we’re living in, and that was okay. Nevertheless, even in a joyful moment it’s just not the easiest to put those thoughts aside. But something I’m slowly learning is that grief can coincide with joy. It’s such a weird feeling, almost even unnatural, and I have never been in a place in life where this has been something to truly wrestle with. But as the Lord guides me through these moments, He is teaching me that it’s okay to not always have the “right” answer or feeling for every moment. My emotions are messy at times, and that’s okay. The good thing is that Jesus is not afraid of our mess. In fact, He invites us to bring it all to Him. So, as we are striving to live in the joy that her life brings, we bring all of the in-between to The One who holds tomorrow.
Not every interaction was all that pleasant, however. The toughest moment I faced on the trip was at the mall, where an older gentleman approached us as we were shopping. He started off by saying, “You’re having a boy, aren’t you?”. I replied with a simple, yet kind “we’re actually having a girl!”. His response as to why he assumed it was a boy was that based on the way my belly looked, he could have sworn it was a boy. (Already, we’re not off to the best start here.) He then went on asking all the baby questions, and we just gave our usual answers. He finished up the conversation by pointing to my bump and saying, “Well, I hope it’s healthy” and then just walked away. I didn’t respond; I just turned to look at Dylan as if to say “What the heck?”. Immediately, there are a couple of problems here. The obvious fact is that we know Eden is not “healthy”, so hearing it said so plainly like that was not the easiest. But even if she was, that is just overall an odd thing to say in my opinion. I also didn’t love the nonchalant way he called her an “it” after we were just talking about the fact that we are having a girl. Maybe my pregnancy hormones entered into the mix here, or it just hit a nerve for me, but either way I was bothered. I tried to continue shopping, but in the moments following that comment, his words replayed in my mind. Dylan encouraged me to let it go because the man clearly didn’t mean any harm, and I tried to do so. Normally I can brush things off pretty easily, but the atmosphere around this interaction was just uncomfortable and upsetting. In the moment, I was forced to admit the facts. I wish she was a “healthy” baby, as does every parent wish that for their children. But that is just not the reality. Again, during the interaction we never brought up our circumstances so my hurt feelings were not to the fault of him. He just happened to say something that he didn’t know would carry the weight that it did. Nonetheless, things like this happen and will continue to happen as it’s just one of the aspects of daily life while carrying Eden.
As it turns out, and always does, God knew that this little getaway was exactly what we needed. It was filled with resting and reconnecting with each other without the business of doctor appointments, work, life, etc. We want to soak in every moment with Eden while we have them, even though some moments are harder than others. It already feels like time is flying by! Understanding the fleeting nature of these moments is both saddening and comforting to us. We know ultimately that Eden will be completely healed of her condition when she meets our Creator someday, which is a comforting truth. But no amount of time with her on earth will ever be enough in our eyes. We know healing will come, but where it happens is not up to us. So, we will just continue to pray for miracle healing here on Earth if it’s in His will to do so. The rest is up to Him. Ultimately, He holds her life in His hands.
“I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.” Psalms 121:1-2
I’m so happy you got to get a way!
Yaay, baby Eden got to go on vacation!! What amazing memories you got to make with her! Such cute pictures! Glad overall it was a wonderful time!